Christianity

 Hello, friends. I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now and in light of recent political unrest, I figured there's no time like the present to shake things up a bit. There's no easy way of going about this, so I suppose I'll rip the band-aid off and take it from there.

I'm no longer a Christian. Or at least no longer identify myself with Christianity.

Maybe this is shocking news or perhaps you've had an inkling for some time- whatever your reaction, allow me to explain my thought process and the years that led up to this decision.

I was raised in the church. We did everything from leading worship, participating in Christmas musicals, attending conferences, and many more things that would classify me as a "good Christian." There was, however, something big that has always been missing. I never felt at home in the Church or among fellow Christians and was convinced there was something wrong with my relationship with God- maybe I wasn't praying enough or the lack of mission trips was putting a block between me and God. Christianity brought me stress and anxiety more than the comfort I always heard others talking about. Reading the bible seemed like a chore and going to church made me anxious and uncomfortable from the first time I remember going. My best Sundays involved popovers and conversations with my family at home rather than putting on a façade to be accepted at church. This feeling started at a very young age and progressed as I became more of my own individual.

When I was in my teens, I was part of numerous friend groups that were centered around bible studies and churches. Long story short, these "friends" consistently excluded and judged others (including myself) to the point where it was best to end those relationships rather than be put through the endless overthinking and sleepless nights wonder what was wrong with me. Every group was like the next- the "cool girls" who elevated themselves because they went to every retreat and had the bibles you could journal in and wrote bible verses on their hands. It may seem small, but when you're a 15-year-old trying to fit in with a new group of girls, the small things make all the difference. I was so used to being pushed to the background and overshadowed by girls with "God-given talent" that I had no confidence in anything relating to myself or my faith. This isn't saying I didn't have any Christian friends (you know who you are and I LOVE you), but rather I had more negative experiences than positive.

On top of the experiences with friends, there were a few more things that led me towards realizing that Christianity isn't for me. First, the "A" word: Abortion. I'm against abortion. I believe it's murder. But really, who are we to govern by law who can and can't get one? In my experience, Christians often are the ones who don't want secular views imposing on their rights, yet they do the same to non-believers. I can discuss this in greater detail to those who are open to having a discussion where both parties listen and respect the other's beliefs. Now is not the place or time, just know that the Christian viewpoint on abortion has never been my jam.

Secondly, as an architecture student who is constantly learning about the costs of facilities, materials, and labor- the mere size of modern-day churches astounds me. The money to hire a designer/architect by itself would be enough to feed people experiencing homelessness for many, many weeks. Where is the money in the church truly going? I'd rather lend a hand to someone in need or buy a meal for someone struggling than contribute to a new wing in a 100,000 sq.ft. building.

Lastly, there is the mindset of the "lost sheep" when a believer leaves the path. Within the last few years, I have been invited to "hang out with friends" that turned into showing up at a church and listening to a sermon more times than I can count. To those who do this, please don't. It makes those who attend uncomfortable and less likely to convert to the faith if they feel like they're trapped in a situation they didn't agree to.

Since this realization of faith (or lack-thereof), I have been top of my class all throughout college and realized that talent isn't something to be ashamed of, but rather embraced. Education and women who work "outside the home" are things that should be encouraged and not frowned upon. It's okay if I make the same salary or more than my boyfriend/future husband when we graduate. I encourage him to do his best, and he returns the favor. He knows I have career dreams and trusts me 100% to make decisions to further those dreams (for the record, he gives me a run for my money and is the most talented designer I've ever met). I've made friends from all walks of life and am able to accept them for who they are without the lens of "are they a sinner?" I've discovered, after turning 21, that I have a soft spot for hard cider and rosé *gasp*. I've dyed my hair blue so many times and worn strapless dresses to Christian functions with a strict dress code. I enjoy treating myself and strive to live in a big house someday and drive a nice car that I worked for. All in all, I'm happier now than I ever was as part of the church.

Just know these three things: 

1. I have read the Bible, attended church and conferences, and prayed for the majority of my life. I still get a bit uncomfortable when Christianity is put-down, but sadly I can relate to the many reasons why people have left. This decision has been a long time coming and is an informed one.

2. I will NEVER judge you for what you believe. Many of the things I have stated above aren't solely on the "Christianity" part of someone, but rather the way they were raised and sheltered by the church, resulting in judgmental personalities.

3. I love you all and I hope you were able to read all of my reasoning before forming a new (and improved?) impression of me.

Thank you for reading, and I send you ALL the good vibes. Whatever that means to you. 💗

Anna